I'm Sorry.

I am. I still don't see how I did anything wrong, but nonetheless I am sorry.

Californian Teens in The Big Apple.

Most people spend their spring break sitting around at home, watching TV, going to the movies, or taking trips with their family. Sounds fun right? Wrong. Because as I see it, the way I spent my spring break this year was the best decision of my life.

Our choir teacher, Ms. Tavares, has been planning a trip for our choir to sing somewhere in New York since before I was even a student at my current high school. Then sometime last November or so, she informed our choir that we are the only non-jazz group invited to sing (and open) at a jazz festival in Carnagie Hall! CARNAGIE HALL. I am fourteen years old, and I got to sing in Carnagie Hall. That is something that people work their entire lives for, and I got to experience the sensation at a young age. Let me give you all a jist of how this trip went down.

Day 1:

Tuesday April 6th - 3AM. I wake up, extremely tired but excited, and go to my friend Hannah's house. Her mom then drives me, Hannah, and our other friend Conner to the airport. Flight takes off from LAX at 7 AM and arrives in Newark, New Jersey around 3:20 PM. We then take a bus to the hotel, eat, go to a rehearsal, and then the lovely Mrs. Fernicola took myself and a few others out to see Times Square at night! It was so surreal, I could hardly believe where I was. Go back to the hotel, and sleep.

Day 2:

Wednesday April 7th - 7AM. Wake up, eat breakfast, go back to sleep for 2 hours. Really wake up. We met our tour guide, Hal. He hated us because we walked really slow and took pictures of everything we passed. Hal yells a lot. Then we went all the way to the top of the Rockefeller Center where we could see a fantastic veiw of all of New York City. After that, we went to the Museam of Modern Art, where we walked around and took pictures and just had a good time. Then Hannah's mom took a group of us down to Century 21, an amazing store! We rode the subway and the guys attempted to sing Santa Fe from Rent as we were going along. Sleep.

Day 3:

Thursday April 8th - 7 AM. Breakfast, SOHO (best place ever) and dinner at Hard Rock Cafe! It was really good. Then we got dressed up, and went to see a Broadway show! I went and saw Avenue Q. It was fantastic. SO funny. Would have liked to see Next to Normal though. At least Avenue Q was still worth it. Sleep.

Day 4:

Biggest day of our lives/final real day here. Hal took us to the Museum of Natural History. We were a little dissapointed when we got there and saw that it didn't look like Night at the Museum, but were happy nonetheless. We made multiple subway trips and did a lot of walking, but finally made it from the museum to Times Square. We cruised around in different stores until it was time to get ready for our performance. We went to a rehearsal, looked out at Carnagie, and realized this is it. This is what we have worked all year for. We went back to the hotel, changed, and gathered in the dressing room, listening to multiple speaches. Ms. T made me and several others cry before we even went on. We walk out onstage. We sing. BAM. Its over. The end. We go backstage and cry some more. Reception at Rosy O' Grady's afterwards was AMAZING. Lovelovelove.

Day 5:

THREE AM. No sleep. Plane ride home. That's it. It's over.

Goodbye New York, the city that never sleeps. Hello LA, you worthless piece of crap.

:)

Inpired.

To my biggest inpirtation,

I've only talked to you very breifly two or three times, but you are the biggest inspiration I've ever known. I didn't realize this until a couple weeks ago.

I saw your show. You did amazing. I worshipped you, even told you to your face how talented I think you are. You didn't believe me. You told me you aren't that talented and we both laughed. The truth is, you ARE that talented.

I wish I could be like you. I wish I could do all of the amazing things that you can do or have done. I wish I knew you better. Maybe then I could tell you all of this to your face instead of writing a blog about it. But fact and matter is, I haven't spoken with you enough to get to know you even the slightest bit. This is by far what is bugging me the most right now. The fact that I never did get to know you on a personal level, and probably never will.

It's tough, looking up to you so much from a distance. But I'll just have to deal with it. I love you, I really do. You are my role model.

Love,
Taylor

So there's this kid who lives in my house

I call him brother.

He is the biggest player I have ever met in my life, and he's two years younger than me. There's something wrong with that. He's gone through four or five girl friends just this school year alone.

Normally, it isn't my business to say what he does and doesn't do with girls.

But today, he got one of my best friends involved. He told her he loved her and asked her out. She said no of course, for reasons I cannot speak of.

She texted me and told me everything that happened. I was seriously about to cry. I know it doesn't seem bad, and that he's just a stupid kid. But he's a traitor. He asked out my best friend. Who is two years older than he is.

I am still upset. And I don't know the real reason for it. Could it be because he betrayed me and went to my friend without even asking me first? Or because he is my baby brother and I don't want him to get into that so quickly? I don't know who he is anymore...

Please, bro. Come back.

School Counselours.

So basically, we had registration today for our classes next year, and I had it all planned out. I was so excited to get to pick my schedule for my sophmore year.

Until the stupid counselor lady told me I couldn't take seven classes because there isn't going to be enough room next year in the class rooms.

Government, I hate you. Why do you have to take funds away from the schools? Now I can't take seven classes next year.

This is gonna suck.

Brothers and Sisters.

They've helped me through more than anybody else.

And the funny part is, they aren't even related to me by blood. They are all just people that I can count on and go to for anything.

You all know who you are. I love you guys.

A few things for a few people...

Just things I need to get out to certain people. Some positive, others negative.

1. You have no idea how much you mean to me. Sometimes, I love you even more than myself. More than anything in my life. And you say you love me too. But you don't mean it the way I do. I know you don't. And you don't know how much I mean it. No matter who I talk to about it, the reality is, no one can fix it but you.

2. I look up to you more than you will ever know. You are by far the biggest inspiration in my life.

3. Get over yourself. No one likes you. You think you are better than everyone else and that you are oh so talented and you're not. The end.

4. At times, I don't know what to think of you. Most of the time, I hate you. But I probably don't mean it in the long run, no matter how much I think I do at the time. Sometimes, I just wish he would divorce you so all this crap can be out of my life, but in time I realize I never want that. Even though my opinion of you varies throughout the week, I love you. And everything you've done.

5. You are the most negative person I've ever met in my life, yet somehow you have had a huge impact on me...

6. You are the reason I attend school every day. You've taught me so much in the little time I've been in your class. In 30 years from now, you probably won't remember me. But I'll remember you. And everything you have done for me.

The one I trust most...

Trusting people is tough sometimes. Ok, all the time.

I've hurt myself over and over again because I've trusted people I shouldn't have. I was so careless.

But now I know the difference between the people I can't trust, and the one person I can.

About a year ago, this said person asked me a certain question...a question that I've always kept a secret. These conversations and that question being asked to me continued for about a week, and finally I decided, "Hey why not? If she does tell anyone its not like anything can be done." Sure, that's what half of my mind thought. But the other half told me I couldn't trust her. But I did. I told her.

I expected several people to know about it within the next week. When no one said anything to me about it, I was sort of in shock. She hadn't told anyone. She really did keep the secret.

Then after a while, she was the one telling me secrets. I have always, always kept them between me and her. Haven't told a soul.

A year has gone by, I still haven't told anyone anything. And neither has she. I still feel like I haven't done her justice. I have thanked her a million times, yet that can't even express the real thanks I feel.

And I can trust someone.
And someone can trust me.

And that feels....just...great.

Resolutions

I know it's a little late, but I really wanted to make resolutions this year. Since I never do. We will see how this year goes. Last year I forgot my resolutions halfway into 2009.

-Be a better sister, daughter, friend, and girlfriend.
-Figure out a way to take the classes I want as well as the ones I am required to take.
-Get an A in Feeder's class on at least one progress report.
-Attend church regularly.
-Improve on my singing (a lot).
-Grow closer to God.
-Read books regularly.

Smiling.

I would say some cool and inspiring quote to catch your attention with this, but I won't since it probably won't be read by all five of you anyways.

The other day, I was having a really rough time. Back to school, homework, getting up early, and all the other stress.

I was walking to sixth period after lunch feeling tired, upset, stressed....just not having a good day.

Then my friend (who I barely ever talk to anymore) randomly just.....smiles at me while I walk to my class and she walks to hers. Something that she never does. And I smiled back.

That smile from my friend really made my day. In fact, it made my whole week.

So there's the lesson. Smile, because it will effect people positively.

Why is it.....

I have had little to no drama in my life. Mostly because I tend to stay out of it. And I like it that way. Drama just seeks to cause problems in people's lives. So why start it?

But what I've come to realize about drama is...

Why is it...
that the majority of drama I have actually experienced in my life...has something to do with you?

I don't like it. Leave me alone. Just stop. You're not helping anyone.

Thanks goes out to the few people who have helped me turn this around.

Assumptions.

We all have them.
We all think our assumptions are right.
It's how we were built to think.
One of the many flaws of being human.
Assuming.
Assuming we know everything there is to know about a particular subject.
When we assume, or at least when I do, I don't take the time to find out if it's really true or not.
And neither do you.
Neither does anyone.
Whether you think you do or not, you DON'T.
No one does.
We just "know" were right.

However, most of the time, our assumptions are WRONG.

And I'll admit it.

Deleted.

For you, my friend.

Fire, Ice, and Originality

Last weekend, January 8th-January 11th, I went on a winter retreat with my church. It was this crazy thing where you get to spend three whole days away from the rest of the world and just hang out at church camp for a weekend. We had tons of fun, ate lots of food, and messed around.

On a more serious note, one of the adults running the camp asked us how close we really are to God on a scale of one to ten. Ten being like..on "fire" and one being like "ice." Thus, the theme of this whole retreat was "Fire and Ice."

At the beginning of the weekend, my relationship with God was like a five. By Sunday afternoon, that number had moved up to about a seven or eight. It's amazing what three days can change.

I hope that you didn't close out this blog already, because I was just getting to the whole point of this post. And the point is this:

For those three days, I didn't have to be anyone but myself. There was no one looking down upon me or critiquing every little thing I do. No, I got to be completely carefree for three days. How often do you get to say that? I know I never do. Until I went to church camp. It was a lot different than I thought it would be. And I ended up having way more fun than I thought I would.

I find that at school, around friends, or even at theatre, when I am around people that are practically family, I have to pretend to be someone else. Someone I don't want to be. But I'm too afraid. Too afraid to show who I really am. Because whenever I have before, I have gotten judged beyond my control. And it kind of sucks. No one likes to be judged.

I don't want to be you.
I don't want to be her.
I don't want to be him.
I don't want to be them.

I want to be ME.

"Its not easy to be me." -Five for Fighting

I believe.

"Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to." -Fred Gailey (Miracle on 34th Street).

It is true. We all have things we believe in and don't believe in. For example, most people over the age of seven do not believe in Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, etc. All my life, I thought this was a pretty reasonable statement. Then one day, my friend Vicki (who is twice my age) says to me, "I still believe in Santa Clause, I just think that his name isn't Kris Kringle and he doesn't live in the North Pole and drive a sleigh and all that crap."

I was astounded. At first I thought she was kidding, because she tends to joke around a lot, and we were in a show about proving Santa Clause was real (and by the end of the show, he is). But Vicki wasn't joking. She was dead serious. She even has a shirt that says "I still believe in Santa." I thought it was really cool. My friend then proceeded to tell me that she thinks the man who played Santa in our show was the real Santa Clause, then told me why.

I thought about it, and I believe her. For sure. I was shocked at the similarity. And I never thought I would believe in something like that. But sure enough, I am here to tell you about it.

Just goes to show you that sometimes you have to look beyond what your mind tells you and believe in something surreal. It makes life more interesting if you do.

I have learned over a coarse of four months, September-December 2009, to have faith in things and to believe. I thought it would be nice to blog about it, hopefully people who read this will think about it, and become inspired to believe as well. I'm not saying that there really is or isn't a Santa Clause, just to keep an open mind about it all.

"I believe, I believe, I believe. Oh I believe. All will be forgiven." -Spring Awakening.

New.

-Schedule
-Teachers
-Goals
-Accomplishments
-Music
-Shows
-People
-Outlook

New year.

Happy 2010.